Ja'Nai's 4th HG Pregnancy
By Ja'Nai Wilkes, HG Survivor and Peer Support
Some time after receiving my letter about the loss of our baby, my partner decided to come find me.
I was so scared when I heard his knock at the door, because I didn’t know how he was going to react. After all, I did consent to ending his baby’s life without his knowledge. What could he want from me?
He asked me to come home.
Throughout this conversation he expressed he felt responsibility for what happened, and I was confused with intense emotions. I struggled with conflicting feelings of guilt and why would he want the person that “killed” his child anywhere near him. But he wanted me home, because his love for me was greater than what brought about the death of our child. The death of our child could not diminish our love for each other.
I went back home.
And a few weeks later, we had begun trying to conceive again, and we did quickly. We told no one except a few family members about the pregnancy. And just as quickly as we got a positive result was just as quickly as Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) hit me. We called and scheduled an appointment with the high-risk pregnancy clinic, but HG hit so intensely that we were not able to make it to our first appointment.
I did not bother to count how many times I was in the Emergency Department. The only thing I was trying to count were the blurred seconds, minutes and hours that would pass until someone would put an IV in me and give me fluids. And there my partner was in the corner of my hospital room in a chair, sometimes laying on the floor just to get “better” rest.
I was in such a dark place mentally. My depression was such a heavy weight and so was my grief. This was a storm. A storm that didn’t have a light at the end of the tunnel. The majority of my thoughts consisted of death, miscarriage, vomiting, and why isn’t anything helping?
Again, I left our home in a mental state that was unwinding. Again, I terminated without him. I felt that leaving was the best way to protect him from the nightmare that was unfolding. This pregnancy was just as severe if not worse than the previous pregnancy. This nightmare was on repeat! Except this time there were no pictures, except an ultrasound.
I went into this pregnancy mostly fearing the nightmare that I went through some time the year before. I feared getting attached to our baby. Our baby died before, and it could happen again. Would everyone come home this time? I didn’t know. I was scared to be hopeful. Pregnancy after loss is not always joyful.
There was no compassion from HG. It did not care. HG can not care.
HG came in like a wave and it pulled me under repeatedly no matter how hard I tried to fight for us. The storm was unrelenting. I could not keep food or water inside of me long enough to be any good. I had starved under 85lbs from vomiting every 20 to 30 minutes everyday. The anti-nausea medications were not helping.
I don’t remember the day I scheduled for our baby to be terminated. Maybe I blocked it out. These memories are so painful to hold, and some choose to let go of me.
July 25, 2017, I let our baby go at a little over 9 weeks, because of the impacts of Hyperemesis Gravidarum.
* Please Do Not scan your original ultrasounds through any scanner. For many, the ultrasound will begin to fade and can get damaged. I lost our baby's original ultrasound to this mistake.
Thankfully, Planned Parenthood kept a copy for their records. Now, I can safely make A Copy of A Copy. While I was there, I picked up a copy of our other babies' ultrasounds, just in case.
The way I took a picture of the ultrasound was at an angle with minimal glare from light, but enough to capture the grayscale... if that makes sense. But I found I liked the copy they gave me better.