Slowly, I think I'll get to a better place mentally, it's just going to take time.
Going through another pregnancy was never the plan for me. I suffered a HG pregnancy with my daughter, and it was a constant struggle of trying to find food that would stay down and multiple hospital visits a week. I am so lucky that we both survived the pregnancy, but I knew that I could never go through that again. However, a surprise pregnancy resulting in non-consensual sex with my ex, only being 3 months pp made me very concerned for my health and opted to terminate before the HG set in. I managed to work full time from home and be a full time single mom when I was able to free us from my abuser.
4 years later I met my now husband who took her on as his own daughter. He had no kids of his own, he was told he would most likely not be able to have kids. We were fine with not having any more kids. My history of HG being the biggest reason. We got married just before Covid hit and were working on plans to buy a new house.
The beginning of April I realized I was late. I am usually a few days late but this felt different. My stomach was achy and I just felt off. I took a text and it was very positive. We worked through the shock but started working on preparing for this pregnancy. I figured if I could get on anti-emetics early I could get a small handle on things. But I was met with OBGYNs who refused to prescribe me anything. I was told "go to the ER". When I was 5 weeks I made my first trip to the ER. My local hospital was dealing with their first Covid patients and I was forced to be there alone. IVs and some Zofran and I was sent home. I was ok for a day but then it got worse. I took over my daughter's bed so my husband could get some sleep. I spent days not moving, taking small sips of ice water. Every noise, smell, movement churned my stomach. I had nothing to vomit as I hadn't eaten in a week so I just dry heaved. I would lie at night thinking if I had the energy to crawl to the bathroom, I would die. In the mornings I would hope my body would end the pregnancy on it's own.
By 7 weeks, I told my husband I didn't think I could continue this pregnancy. He agreed. I had one more hospital trip before my appointment. It resulted in me being admitted with severe dehydration and needing a 3 days potassium drip. My level so low I was almost in heart failure. I was discharged the day of my appointment. One of my close friends drove me as my husband had to stay with our daughter. The amount of guilt I felt was overwhelming.
I never wanted to terminate either of my pregnancies, but my physical and mental health was a huge barrier to continue. When I got home I broke down with my husband. I told him how this wasn't the decision I wanted. I wanted that pregnancy, I wanted us to have a baby together and watch him be a dad from the beginning. He told me that he wanted that too, but he wanted his wife alive more. He was terrified to check on me thinking he'd find me dead in bed. That broke my heart. I hate my body fights against me in a pregnancy. I get so angry at women who have such easy pregnancies or even ones that have regular morning sickness, but still manage to function. I know it's not their fault, but it still upsets me.
Although it certainly makes me so grateful I have my daughter. I love and cherish her more than anything else in the world. She was so supportive and helpful though it, and it broke my heart cause I know she'd be an incredible big sister. Within this last year, I have been able to research more on HG. So many times I was told it was all in my head, but that just isn't true. I had no idea how many complications can come from it. I knew dehydration or malnutrition could kill you, but there are so many other conditions that HG can cause that could be fatal. If I hadn't had my terminations, idk if I would be here. Slowly, I think I'll get to a better place mentally, it's just going to take time.